She(was).Heree.// *

What doesn’t kill you, make you stronger.

It was at that instant when my best friend mentioned Upper Paradise. Amidst all the talks and jokes aside, I thought to myself what would it feel like to be in such place. Metaphorically speaking, it should be a place where everyone’s happy and satisfied; where things don’t go wrong; where good things never end—and where all the bad stuff ends.

Sometimes I wish I’ll get to upper paradise so I can just forget. Remembering carves out good memories; forgetting hides the scars. People say that bad things happen to balance out the good in your life. Bad things happen because it teaches you a lesson. Bad things happen because that is the only way to go back up and reclaim your place. But no matter what, in the end of it all, it still hurts, and that feeling will always stay there. The only way for you to move on is forget. Put all those pain away. Hide them. Lock them. Forget them.

I’m not particularly saying that I’m not happy or satisfied, because I am. I am grateful for having such amazing friends who I can always rely on to, parents who support me through thick and thin, and a wonderful boyfriend who I know will never second guess to support any decision I make. But my life is not perfect. I stumble, trip over, and make mistakes.

People think I’m okay, but really I’m not. People think I’m happy, but really, it hurts. It hurts that it won’t be the same anymore, and will never be. I won’t be able to go back and fix the mistakes I did. Even though I fought back, even though I knew I fought my hardest, it just wasn’t good enough. It showed how weak I am, how vulnerable I can be, and how I fell down, hard. Sometimes, it’s hard enough to face the truth that I would cry about it. But I can’t tell anyone because…I’m fighting my own self, and no one can help me but me. Sometimes I want to scream for help, I want someone to just numb the heck out of me so I won’t feel anything. The course of events that it went down to weren’t exactly something I would call fair. It was traumatic, unjust, and disrespectful.

But, normally people will say to ‘let it go’, ‘move on’-Because you don’t and won’t know what it really feels like if you’re not in my shoes. What it felt that time was probably not the worst feeling someone would feel, but it was for me. That effort I put in? Went down the drain. The time I invested? Wasted. Experiences I had? Horrendous. The battle I fought? Gruelling. 

All I can do is forget to hide the scars, and just remember good memories. 

What doesn’t kill you, make you stronger.